Iam writing this as I guess a release from the past.. a love that was and now isn't anymore.. Four years nearly and now back to bread and water again..Well in some sense. My point of view ....
Met D' first in 2004 in tap and tin.. went out briefly..i dumped him as a thought he was pliable, weak even.. Fast forward to 2010..Was out in Roch with a best friend and there he was in a local pub..This time with long hair.. He looked like a rock star! Oh my god! Was it really him? It was we said Hi.. and he walked me home that night.. I believe it was May.. our friend Richard handfords bday.
I am not putting commas, etc.. Or writing absolutely correctly.. because main thing is to get this out of my soul.. To understand why these things go wrong?..and why I feel time is wasted-Once again!My longest relationship was 6 years nearly..and now I cant make it more than 4 before it all falls apart these days..
So, we didn't get together in the best or easiest way he had somebody already.. told me he was unhappy with her for ages. and that it had been over for a while.but they lived together and had some kind of relationship still. A few months later he had been away to Mexico with this girl and came home.. He told me she wanted her own way all the time, was spoilt and used to getting what she wanted.. She even controlled his fb and deleted anybody she felt threatened by.. This story which I shant go into too much is another story altogether.. A big one.. He started to come around to my flat most days after work and things just happen.. I never meant to hurt her at all.. NOT THAT SHE WAS A FRIEND -LETS GET THAT STRAIGHT! I had been cheated on a lot in my previous relationship.. even on holiday in Thailand my ex went missing for a few days..it turns out he had slept with a prostitute or more than one and showed me the photos... I was devastated at that time.. I said I would never do that to another woman.. But that wasn't how it went.. Happy to say I wouldn't have an affair again.. These days I wont play 2nd fiddle or share ever again !
The hassle I received from his girlfriend was awful.. bullied isn't even the word.. by her everytime I saw her .. and her friends, phonecalls saying how beautiful she was ..and I wasn't..she was classy and I wasn't..and he would never want somebody like me when he had her..(Now she had/still has fake boobs, lots of fillers in her lips, veneers the lot-when I did see a photo of her before surgery she was so very plain and pear shaped I didn't recognise her..only her eyes as they are big and bulging!)
...ill finish this later as I have to go out.. best and worst is yet to come..
Okay, back... Fast forward nearly 4 years.. I got so bored of over time how he did not want to do anything with me at all.. having hardly any friends id bug him to come out..this he hated.. if I hadn't bugged him he would constantly stay in and play xbox/watch and smoke bags n bags of green..im the kinda go out girl, having no children.. which I cant carry anyway-so prob for the best really.. I suffer from ulcerative colitis (pan colitis) and he was accepted of my predicament when it comes to work etc.. seemed happy to just be with me even though my illness is both embarrassing and debilitating and the most unladylike disease for which there is no cure.. I have lived with this since I was 19..
At the beginning he thought I was beautiful, sexy liked my boobs (34D or E I think ,they keep growing).. not anymore saying he wasn't insulting me saying 'you've got them out all the time..nice he noticed me for once! Its horrible to think your love doesn't wanna do anything with you at all.. if I suggested Canterbury or anywhere ..short answer back was 'its boring there..and its boring there too'' put down my driving also amongst anything else ..breathing or just being myself.. Even after I got a ticket - (in march-april this year)on my own car which he also got a few..never paid ..I crashed into another car on Staar hill.. He ignored me after I told him to get out of my car and stop shouting at me..i drove past him ,he ignored me.. I went through light and crashed into a van.. he saw somehow.. came over.. didn't ask if I was okay.. and then as the 2 men in van were takin pics of damage he disappeared. one of them said' is that your bf leaving you after a crash? I replied 'yes prob' .. As it happened he went off to pay for his burger at kebab shop that he watched it all from.. this hurt so much.. but again it didn't matter.. good things are he would go to the shop for me and cook more than I did.. I stopped cooking for him as we argued more.. and he wldnt want to eat until v late at night prob due to drugs.. and also as food hurts me iam put off knowing its going to kill me with pain as soon as it hits my bowel.. and the toilet will be visited for hours after along with cramps, pain and bleeding due to the ulcers in my bowel which erupt .. Also my father died last year jan 11th 2013, I am still trying to deal with this.. and I haven't felt the same since or ever felt pain like this before.. He said you've changed in the last year or so.. of course I have I lost my papa.. and the last holiday I was with 'd' and dad..so now all pics are of my dad and my best friend/lover are all but a memory..
Im not saying ive been an angel.. my untrusting nature.. but this could've been understood, helped , endeared ..healed maybe.. but no .. so I started to drink more..i drank before too but this time out of boredom.. weekends came and went and we still didn't go anywhere at all..let alone nice day out..
fire was going out..if I could get him to go to pub on sunday-he would change , be in a good mood and be the person that was once..then we would go home and all be be the same.. also no sex life either for month on end.. still when you don't feel sexy, don't get taken anywhere-all is nothing.
He had always been angry ..I blamed this on his ex.. now I don't know.. but his rages frightened me so much.. and from time to time after drinking on a sunday we would row then my place would be smashed up.. I never had a lot of nice things to start with no I had less.. least he replaced the tv.. wasn't brand new but at least that.. never got laptop repaired that had all pics/vids of my dead dad..
I felt so lonely..i would start bickering and picking little fights.. you do when you want change I guess.. and with most people you can sort it and move on.. but now (may) everything in his eyes was my fault.. he ssaid I had no respect for him, arrogant, never cooked for him-no just a ready meal- a real dinner he wanted cooked, that you take time to cook he said..its hard to be caring when u get back nothing.. oh, and he did drop me out to local pub/off when I went out with my sis..but now he didn't want to do that.. I apprieciated this so I didint have to drink drive.. and so, anyway, he was only sitting at home getting high and not drinking.. I thought was fair ..a nd one of few things he did for me..i paid majority of the bills which again he says I did not.. but I have and do.. well now im alone yes all.. in the beginning he helped me out, even gave me money to get hair or nails done.. id never ever had kindness like that before.. but that changed long ago.. xmas and bdays came and went and no card or prezzie-whether he worked or not.. and this again hurt me and built up inside.. he never understood the loss of my daddy.. and wasn't particularly helpful.. but at least he stayed.. my dads last words to us were 'look after my little girl wont you?' 'D' said he would.. well he didn't..did he?
He would argue I do do things for you.. I tidy your flat, I clean the litter tray.. I thought and I take care of you financially.. I took him to rome on dads will money for our anniversary.. I asked about the future whilst the sun loomed down on the colloseum.. he got angry again.. said don't ruin it.. I lay in bed that night with pain in my whole soul.. he said after he never wanted to go to rome or Thailand with me.. typical ...he never wanted to go anywhere.. for his bday last year I brought 2nd row from front tickets costing almost a 1,000.. he got back drunk.. pissed on my newmattress, new uvet... and one year latr again on his bday did same thing again.. I m moved him to front room .. with only duvet I had left, he did it again.. saying it was my fault he did this in his sleep..i treated him on his bday because I didn't want him to feel unloved and uncared for like me.. I brought him iphone, took him out or meal and the pub.. and this is how he repaid me.. I had hoped one day he would say hey ive got a surprise booked .. put on a beautiful dress and im taking you out.. I always paid my own way.. and also everytime he was out of work looked after him too.. one time was 5 months altogether.. this nevr got a thankyou when he returned to work.. and this again made me angry.. every person ive been out with ive carried and I get fed up of being the man in the relationship.. it would b lovely to be accepted and cherished for me and spoilt even sometimes.. for my 1st bday with him he had brought me chanel, flowers, some undies too.. was lovely.. that all changed.. I had been texting him once a week to try to sort things if I could but I would only get a mouthful.. on how I ruined his life.. he had no job and no money.. no fags for a week.. because before it was me that supplied this til I started moaning how I felt I was being ponced from and used..give and take.. and some people take so much and give so little but they think doing small meagre things constitutes as so much.. I knew he brought lavish gifts for his ex ..but not me.. even a pair of christain louboutons ..but she was high maintenance and prob didn't put up with the shit.. he was never able to save money for hols as drugs took most of it.. so I holidayed with my sis.but paid the bills while he lookd after my cats.. so still I was paying while I was away.. I wonder truly what ive done wrong not to be treated firstly as a human being ,but 2ndly as a woman..I tend to think he has somebody now as it has been a while.. He shouts via text 'you still accusing me!!' but we aren't together and all I ask is that I don't find out through somebody else is all.. the crumbling of another long relationship.. I have my good days and bad.. I miss what was.. the hippie that I knew but not the man
